Helping Things Go Right

I had the opportunity to observe some preschool classrooms this week. Oh, my, goodness!! I believe that preschool teachers are some of the luckiest teachers around. The preschool students that I hung out with that morning were so incredibly sunny, cheerful, insightful, fun, excited, inquisitive, and just darn cute!! Really, I could not get enough of them.

HOW do preschool teachers support, encourage, teach and nurture such varying personalities, differences in development, and temperment? As I sat quietly in the corner, simply observing teacher and student interaction, I was reminded of a powerful phrase in the book, The Anatomy of Peace, by the Arbinger Institute. Helping Things Go Right. Simply. Very effective parents and teachers spend 90% of their energy and time Helping Things Go Right.

I observed 2 simple behaviors and attitudes that these highly effective preschool teachers were demonstrating that were helping things go right. The teachers were acknowledging and identifying actions that the preschoolers were exhibiting that were helpful. For example, if a student was following a classroom routine, the teacher might have said, " Christina, I noticed that you picked up all of your wrappers from your snack and pushed your chair in when you were finished eating. That is very helpful." This encourages Christina for her cooperation, and at the same time it creates awareness for the other preschoolers who are almost ready to clean up. They know just what to do with out being "told".

The second simple behavior these encouraging teachers demonstrated was asking a lot of questions. They were What and How Questions. Asking children questions about what "we" do next, or how to do something inspires processing and thinking. We want to give our children lots of opportunities to think for themselves. And when THEY KNOW what is next or figure out HOW to solve a problem, they feel capable and empowered. Just what we hope for them. "Telling" children constantly what and how to do things, may be speedy but it doesn't grow the perception of "I'm capable". There is no thinking and problem solving involved. It can feel like being bossed around, which can inspire rebellion.

So, two easy ways to help things go right:
*acknowledge and identify the helpful or cooperative actions
*ask what and how questions to inspire "I am capable!"

When we, as parents and teachers, choose to spend 90% of our time and energy Helping Things Go Right, then we'll only need to spend 10% on fixing things when they go wrong. HMMMM, sounds like a good use of my time and energy!!

Rewards....like training wheels

So, I have spent quite a bit of time coaching a classroom teacher on how to create a cooperative classroom. This teacher is soooooo kind, she boarders on permissive. I get the sense that she doesn't want her students to feel uncomfortable or stressed. (In the end, they all feel uncomfortable and stressed due to the lack of clear boundaries).



The last two weeks of school were coming up and the students were really pushing the teacher, each other and the rest of the staff to the limit. I was asked to come in and help the class get through the last two weeks in one piece. So, I decided to uses rewards. But not a one to one connection, more of a possibility to GET something. The teacher and I had small orange tickets to give out to the students when they were following directions, working hard, being helpful, or doing any thing that helped to create a calm atmosphere in the classroom. When we'd give the ticket to a student, we'd state what they were doing to get the orange chance ticket. Something like, "I appreciate ________ working quietly on their assignment" or "I'd like to thank _______ for helping your neighbor out on that assignment, that is so helpful". The shift in the classroom was amazing. The students sat up straighter, stayed seated longer, raised their hands, completed assignments, etc.



I believe in Positive Discipline, an Adlerian approach to teaching children helpful life skills instead of punishment. The Positive Discipline approach does not agree with rewards. The reason being is that children then behave in a certain way in order to GET the reward, they don't behave in the helpful manner simply because it is best for all involved. (I really agree with this!) I want my children to behave "appropriately" because internally they know it is the right thing to do, not because they'll get a toy, candy or money. However, in this situation, I learned something.



In this situation, the teacher was not clear or consistent with letting her students know what was expected of them. As simpl as: how to ask a question (raise hands), what working position looks like (seated, chair pulled in, all 4 feet on the ground), or what to do when finished with an assignment (read a book, complete a different assignment, or draw). Giving the teacher little orange tickets and asking her to compliment students when they were being helpful, clarified for the teacher what she was looking for. The teacher became much more consistent at giving compliments, asking for what she wanted, and knowing what she wanted. It was so interesting. The teacher became more clear and specific on directions and thus the students followed more often.



So, now my perspective of rewards is that they can be like training wheels. When children advance to a two wheeled bike, they need strong support, a whole lot of the time, but just for a little while. As they become more comfortable with what is required to balance on a two wheeled bike AND become more skilled at it, the children want the training wheels lifted higher. (Only to be there in an emergency). And once they really feel their own weight, can balance, take turns, stop and go pretty well, what do they say? "MOM, DAD, please get these training wheels off!"



I'm feeling the same way with rewards. They might be a good beginning for grown-up and children. Rewards help the adult to be aware of the situation, to notice the behaviors they really want, and helps with consistent follow through. For the child, rewards are a strong support, a whole lot of the time, until they begin to feel and understand what is required of them. As they become more skilled and feel capable of the new behavior or task.... someone will say, "HEY, please stop the rewards, you can do this on your own..... or I can do this on my own!"



Think of the different areas of your life that you'd like to have training wheels for???

Belief Behind the Behavior

I love kindergarteners! They are transparent, meaning they almost always vebalize what is going on internally for them.

In Positive Discipline there is an Adlerian theory that states when children "misbehave" there is a misguided belief behind their behavior. I got to experience this first hand in a kindergarten classroom. The kindergarten teacher had been struggling with many students "misbehavior". She tended to focus on the unwanted behavior and not acknowledge appropriate behavior. Only focusing on the negative will result in more negative. Anyway, there was a very cute boy in this class and he got noticed quite often for his "misbehavior". The teacher would call him by name, state what she wanted corrected (with some "I'm so tired of this" attitude in the voice), and always noticed when he was off task.

Anyway, I was sitting by this cute kindergartener one morning, and he was on task, focused, and really working on what he was supposed to be working on. Wow, I thought, he is "right on". So I decided to acknowledge all of his effort. So I said something like, " Wow, ______, you are focused and working on your assignment. That is so helpful." He replied back with a complete straight face and arms crossed in front of his chest, "I'm not helpful, I'm bad!"

I was dumbfounded. I looked him in the eyes and he was completely serious. I really understood the belief behind the behavior. This sweet, cute kindergartener really believed that he was "bad". Well, as we looked into each others eye, I got the giggles because he was so serious and sooooo wrong about himself. So, I smiled.... he smiled.... I giggled.... he began to giggle.... and in the end we both just laughed and laughed.

That day, I heard clearly from the mouth of one babe.... there is always a belief (maybe consciously, maybe unconsciously) behind "mis" behavior