Punishment

I had a big Aha yesterday. I teach a dodgeball class for 8-12 year olds every Saturday at a local gym. It is so much darn fun! Sometimes when the teams are uneven I get to play too. And usually, when a child comes to the class one time, they are hooked and can't wait to come back next Saturday.



Last Saturday, one of the usual dodgeball players (I'll call her Jennifer to keep her anonymous) who comes pretty regularly, arrived and looked pretty sad and low energy. Now this gal is usually high energy, very cheerful, and is fun to be around. I asked her a few times, what was up and I got no response. So, I asked my 9 year old daughter to chat with her and find out what was going on. Well, I never figured it out during the dodgeball hour. But "Jennifer" spent a whole lot of energy working to be grumpy, low energy, and to not have fun. I was so curious about what was going on for her, this was soooo unlike her.



I ran into her dad after class, in the gym. So, I let him know how Jennifer wasn't herself in class and that I hoped everything is ok. He said that the reason she was so grumpy was because she was "in trouble" and getting a punishment as soon as she got home from the gym. This just caught me off guard. So, I said something like, "What did she do?" He said that it was about what she didn't do before they came to the gym, something about shoes. (I couldn't quite get the gist of it). I then jokingly, said, "Well, she made herself so miserable during dodgeball, that you may be able to skip the punishment." He smiled and left.



This senario went through my head a lot of the day. This cheerful 9 year old was miserable for a whole hour during a class that she usually loves. And on top of that, when she got home, she was going to get a punishment. HMMM. I was sensing that there was a big empty space between her and her dad that morning. And in that space was anger, resentment, revenge, powerstruggles, and more. (I sense this dad as a good and loving dad...really...wanting to raise a good and loving daughter) But the feelings between them that morning were not good and loving.


Punishment: According to two 13 year olds that I know...they define punishment as a purposeful consequence that grown-ups do TO kids as a result of a bad behavior or choice, but a simple consequence is the natural result of a bad behavior or choice. We grown-ups experience natural consequences in our daily lives when we make a bad choice or make a mistake. We then get the opportunity to figure out HOW to make it right or HOW to do it better next time. Why can't we let our children do the same. Why do so many parents feel the need to add on another man made ugly experience to the bad choice or mistake?? HHMMM.

I have been fortunate enough to be trained in Positive Discipline. I have had the opportunity to learn that mistakes are simply opportunities to learn. (good thing, cause I make a whole lot of mistakes) I try my best to simply allow my children (ages 12 and 9) to learn from their mistakes. I don't have to add on another bad feeling (which would be between me and them) onto the already uncomfortable experience of the mistake or bad choice. We sit down and discuss what happened?, what did you hope would happen?, how would you do it next time?, and I always add in, how can I help? They take ownership for the experience, I don't have to "fix" it for them, and everything is out in the open. I am their support, guide, and biggest encourager. The last thing I want to be is their enemy, their mistake pointer outer, or judge. My goal is to raise children who feel capable, can solve their own problems, can ask for help, and to have the sense that they have control over their lives.

Do you remember a time (as a kid) that you were punished? What do you remember? How did you feel? What were your thoughts? Did the punishment correct your behavior?

For myself, I remember being punished. I cannot remember WHAT I was punished for, but I remember being sooo angry at my mom. I was going to show her. I wasn't going to cry. I remember looking at her with a straight face and my arms crossed over my chest. Kind of defiant. Thinking, I'm not going to let you know how hurt my heart is...I won't...... THAT is what I remember.... HMMMMM.....